There aren’t many places in this world where I feel at home. I’m still looking for a community where I feel settled; a place where I can continue to grow as a person. In other words, I want to find a feeling of belonging.
Why does it seem easy for others to find their home?
I suspect a lot of unseen hard work goes into finding and creating home. And I think there’s good reason behind that.
To me, a home is a place where I can get out of my comfort zone and feel as a part of a community. A collection of streets that encourage congregations of friends, enjoyment of food and maybe a few nights that you barely remember. A place to sleep with four walls and the ability to come and go as needed when the feeling of stagnation starts to creep up.
It doesn’t need to be a house or a city. For some people, I’d imagine they’re at home when they have some time to have a ponder. But for me, it’s a feeling of acceptance within a community. And I’ve yet to find my tribe.
Why is a home so difficult to come by?
Having travelled to 27 countries, I’ve only twice had the feeling that this was a place I would live in; Munich and Amsterdam. After getting off the plane or train and walking around those two cities, I felt an immediate sense of comfort. Whether it was the beautiful beer gardens, architecture, or lifestyle in Munich, or the pleasing layout and biking friendly infrastructure in Amsterdam, I found it easy to make friends and reach an at-peace state of mind in both these places.
Of course, travelling to a country and living in it are two different scenarios. Much like a curated social media feed, travelling shows you the highlights of a place as opposed to getting immersed into the day to day life.
When I’ve had friends come to visit me in Australia and I’ve taken them through to the parties, the markets, the fun, I’ve always done my best to make it an incredible experience. We end up rummaging up a few adventures, they get a few stories to pack away into their suitcases. Then, they move on to the next place to continue the month long vacation from reality, and I head back to spreadsheets and 7am meetings.
C’est la vie.
However, the optimist in me says ‘reality’ can and should be filled with the adventures, the stories. Maybe my mind is warped, but my impression is that you can have a job that you love, be in a city you adore, and have a group of friends that you admire. I have to believe that with a fresh smile and some grit, one can make that happen.
Maybe some cities make finding home easier than others?
Toronto, where I grew up and lived for 24 years will always be a massive part of my identity, but I don’t think it’s home. Toronto is not the city that I can see myself being forever, where I get the warm and fuzzies after getting off the plane. Yes, my parents, are there. As is my brother and entire extended family. Most of my friends are there as well, and I imagine will be for the majority of their lives. Seeing them, especially after moving 20,000kms away, makes me very happy and I do my best to maintain those relationships.
However, for me, Toronto is a place where life is too easy. Where I know I could have a white picket fence, the Aussie Shephard dog I’ve always wanted, and a well-paid job. Unfortunately, I don’t think that the exciting challenge of life I need would meet me in that cold, vibrant city, which is why I knew I had to leave.
I was too comfortable, which made it easy to fall into complacency.
And yet, even a year after moving to Australia, overcoming obstacles, working on myself, and taking on umpteen hobbies, meeting hundreds of new people along the way, I’ve still yet to feel that I’ve found home.
There are highs of creating amazing memories with friends, and lows after a difficult and long week of work. Much like I think anyone would experience. On occasion, it can be lonesome. But it’s always been a constant seeking of self betterment; an expedition on the journey to elevate my base level of happiness.
While I know it’s an ongoing process, I hope there’s a time when you know you’re on the right track. I’ve seen it with my very successful friends, with the entrepreneurs I follow. They do the things that they know they want to be doing. As luck or experience would bring, the opportunity is there for them to achieve the day’s goals. They’ve found home because they’ve made it themselves.
I suppose the first difficulty is in knowing what you want to create and what you want to be doing. Only after you figure that out does actually making it happen become the next goal. For me, my current goal is to find my tribe, ideally in a few places around the world. As well, I’d like to have peace of mind that I’m on the right path. To know that I’m doing the things I should be doing.
So how do we find our tribesmen, and how do we find that path? What are the things we can do to help us figure out what we want to do? I think it’s different for all of us. As travelling and working in a different country were goals of mine, I was drawn to seeing what was out there and experience the world.
Australia is a place that I’d spoken with many people about prior to coming here. Consistently, I heard that it was the most liveable place they’d ever been to. A place where people are friendly, the opportunity endless and memories are made. However, these had all been people that have travelled here. Not people who have lived here.
Scrolling through the Australian backpacker’s Facebook group, it’s filled with people who coming to the end of their visa and looking for any avenue possible to stay. They feel like they’ve found a place that they want to live forever. They would kill to have a work visa or residency, and have fallen in love with a place in a way that I’m jealous of. They’ve found a country that they wish to call home. They are obviously experiencing something that I’m having a hard time finding.
I like to think that I’ve done my best to give Brisbane a good shot. Over the past year I’ve said yes to every opportunity that came my way. I do my best to seek out new experiences. And yet, the satisfaction of what I believe should be the comfort of a home hasn’t yet found me here. Does that mean it’s time to move on? Maybe, maybe not.
That’s not to slag on Brisbane, nor the other cities that I’ve lived in for an extended period. I imagine that every city has something that someone finds redeeming enough about it to consider it their home. Otherwise, my impression is that they would move.
I know it’s not the community’s job to make me fall in love with it. To offer itself as a home. It’s easy to find information regarding what a city contains; the demographics of the inhabitants, the infrastructure, the job market. Although community is a bit more intangible, it’s unreasonable to have expectations that you’ll be immediately accepted with open arms. That some friendly extrovert will take you along and open the world up. Sure, it can happen. But I think having the expectation can ruins it. Which is a major contributor to my unease.
I not only heard many great things about the country, but was also told that if anyone can go to a different place and flourish that it’d be me. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging in that statement, as I think hearing that brought my expectations up to a level that was maybe not achievable without some massive strokes of luck and timing. With the expectation to find home and happiness at a high level, of course it wouldn’t work out. Unfortunately (or maybe not), I’ve come to realize that being happy solely relies on our own criteria. Criteria which rely on the expectations we set.
Leaving everything you’ve ever known to find a home elsewhere is tough. As should be expected.
The journey of developing roots in a new place comes with risks of isolation, of loneliness, of unhappiness. But when the alternative is letting life pass by and a lingering question of ‘what if?’, to me that decision has an obvious choice. While finding my tribe is more difficult than I anticipated, I still feel I’m on the right path. I would much rather struggle to find a community than live the easy life that was waiting for me in Toronto.
I’d like to make clear that there’s nothing wrong with a linear path, or with an easy life. I’d assume that’s what the majority of people are looking for. However, staying on a path because it’s easy, and living a life of complacency begs an evaluation of circumstance. Of whether if it’s really where you want to be.
And so, the journey continues. Maybe I’ll eventually find what I’m looking for in a home here. All it takes is one person to change another’s world, right? Or, maybe I’ll realize that all I ever wanted was the white picket fence, and the dog in Toronto.
Only more experience can help someone figure out where their home is. The hope is that eventually we all end up there.
Who knows how long it might take?